Here we go...

This week the Bug has found her...I can not find the words...give me a second...I will say whatever I want so I can hurt you because you are my mother voice, for lack of a better term. I have been preparing myself for this, but yeah...

On Wednesday night she put my dining room chair through the plasma television. Since she can't move the couch or chair in the living room she uses a dining room chair when she is playing the Wii.

Me: "I have told you a thousand times to stop making the chair rock. Now stop before you break your arm, or worse the chair."

Bug: "Funny, mom."

Me: "I do not have the money to replace it when you break it! I'm not trying to be funny!"

Bug: "The table has scratches on it anyway. A new one would be good."

This does not phase me. She is typically a smart @$$. (ha! Like my mother can't figure symbols out. It makes me feel more respectful, don't judge!)

Me: "Stop it or you can sit on the floor!"

I will warp us to 2 hours later in the evening. A hysterical Bug comes in my room crying the chair finally fell over and through the TV. I politely ask her to go to her room. I then call her dad and inform him in a raving lunatic rage that I am going to kill her. He says that even though a deduction in child support payments would be nice, he can't allow this and somewhat calms me down.

The next night I give her her sentence and she completely loses it. I mean full blown crazy. I will just do a nutshell version for you.

Bug: "I AM A GOOD KID! I NEVER GET IN TROUBLE! I ALWAYS LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAY! I HATE YOU!"

The last part throws me but I do not let her know this...

Me: "Good. It means I'm doing my job right."

Bug: "I WILL DO EVERY CHORE ON THE LIST THEN I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD!"

Me: "No you're not."

Bug: "THEN I WILL RUN AWAY!"

Me: "Can you fold a load of clothes first?" (Sidenote: I slept with my bedroom door locked and haven't decided if I will be getting rid of the kitchen knives or not.)

She runs up to her room, slamming her door and proceeds to makes sounds resembling a howling dog until she falls asleep. I call my mother and apologized for every hateful thing I said to her when I was a kid.

In her defense she did come to me the next day and apologize saying she didn't mean it. I accepted and told her she is most certainly allowed to hate me, it will be natural over the next few years, but the next time she says it out loud she will be grounded until Hannah Montana (c'mon I had to use a reference she would understand, there you go judging again!) had grandchildren.

Rights of Passage...

My children. Him 16, Her 11. Ohhh, the bickering I must endure. I think a gift I have been given is that I remember being a child, so I tend to understand what my two are feeling or going through most of the time and I never, ever forget that it is their right of passage to go through these things. So, I allow them to bicker. I do so with the age old trick parents inherit...tuning out, yet still being slightly aware. Examples: Reading a book while they are bouncing a ball through the living room, picking up your tea glass before said ball knocks it over while never missing a sentence in said book. Or, video game being played so loud the dog has his paws over his ears but the only thing you hear because you are cooking dinner is the $50 controller hitting the ground because the controller's operator died to the monster.

"Would you like to get a job, operator of the controller? No? Then have some respect!" I say this with my mean mother face! I secretly love making that face (it is "my" right of passage)!

My point being, I allow them to bicker with a few ground rules and my age old parenting trick always working. I sometimes even play along. Yes. I do! Don't judge me!!

I mean who can resist:

"Something smells!" one of the children say.

"Your face smells!" loving mother replies.

It truly makes me giggle!

However, there are a few classics that just don't work:

"Mom, you are the weirdest!" the 16 year old says.

"Your momma!" I reply stopping in mid stroll because I realize what I have just said!

Hysterical laughter from both children begin.

"See." he can barely get out from laughing so hard.

I refrain from mumbling crap to myself on my way to my room because at least for one tiny moment the bickering has seized while they join forces to make fun of their mother.